America needs a president that isn't afraid to get drunk and bath naked in fountains, who will do what needs to be done to turn this fine country into the biggest ongoing party ever seen! That's what this country deserves, for us all to come together for the joy of drunken shenanigans. So, I won't go into any promises about taxes or speak about how to improve the economy or my views on foreign affairs. Who needs all that when you have a party?

I will be the party president!

My promises

• A keg in every house
• Constant block parties
• A novelty hat to store your booze
• Easy access to liver transplants
• A boom for the legal professional from all the booze related crimes and fatalities

So, forget all those other posers and vote for me!